Ask Ilchibuko: We Always End Up Hurting Each Other What Can We Do?

Someone asked me this question: “Whenever my boyfriend and I are together, we always end up hurting each other. We deepen our emotional wounds without recognizing them. What should we do?”

The Expression of Love

It is a beautiful thing when two people have the intention to love and care for each other. Both want to love, protect, and grow with each other. But, if you always end up hurting each other, it sounds like your way of showing love to each other has not yet matured.

Each person can study how they can evolve the love within themselves. But, if that doesn’t happen and they get stuck in expressing love physically, their partners might get confused or even become hurt. If the expression of love has not yet matured, people in a relationship will not support each other’s growth.

Instead, they will be needy and try to possess, limit, and control because they feel they are not enough inside of themselves. Even when two people are in a relationship, each person needs to grow individually and independently. If not, you cannot expand your love for each other no matter how much you are in love now.

Evolving love is a big topic because it doesn’t only happen within lovers, but also in parent-children relationships. A lot of times, the parent or the child’s expression of love makes the other party suffer because their love isn’t freeing. In fact, it’s limiting.

Before learning how you can improve your relationship, you want to have a basic understanding of the two types of love: emotional love and true self-love.

Emotional love is volatile based on what you can receive.

Here, two people in a relationship are attracted to certain aspects of their partner. The appeal is not lasting, and it fluctuates all the time. One day it’s like fire, it’s exciting, burning, and passionate. But on another day, it’s full of anger, doubt, limitations, and jealousy. The romantic flame of love easily turns into hate. The emotions go up and down. It’s a volatile relationship depending on which way the emotions are running, and because of the emotional element to this relationship, one cannot trust what the relationship will be like tomorrow.

With an ever-changing type of love as emotional love, what kind of care can the two partners give each other? They will only share love from an emotional point of view, which is based on the assumption that each person is missing something and that your partner should be the one to be giving it. They can express their feelings through being romantic, having sex, or being emotionally possessive. In this type of relationship, there is no freedom, and it will only hurt both partners in the end.

True Self Love is unshakable, constant, and giving.

It makes you free, as it’s not shown in man’s limited ways. It’s an unconditional love that makes you free and confident. It makes you trust and understand yourself in a deeper way. If you are able to express True Self-love, you can love, forgive, accept, appreciate and respect other people, and you can share that understanding with them.

If both partners in a relationship are willing to upgrade the versions of themselves and get in touch with the inner love they have, then they will have a lasting love. When they are in touch with this soul’s love, their consciousness will expand naturally. They will help their partner grow, they will not control them, and it will make them free. You and your partner have awareness and good intentions. Both of you want to heal and grow together. If you can learn how to love unconditionally, you will stop loving from the ego-self, which feeds from being in control and feeling secure.

Allowing Your Love To Grow

Maybe you want your partner to change because he/she is not treating you the way you want, or you think he/she is being overprotective, so you don’t feel free to do what you want. If you truly want to improve your relationship, the first thing you must do is look at yourself.

Observe yourself first because it’s easier to recognize how others are treating you, but yourself. You must first understand how to shift your consciousness and expand your awareness, as this equals growing your love.

You can only improve your situation through awareness and looking at where you can grow yourself. This is my recommendation: you and your partner should have an individual self-reflection. During this time, tell yourselves, “How can I improve my expression of love? I am hurting because my partner didn’t do the things I want. It feels like he/she won’t care for me. Did I spend time looking at myself and love myself? Do I love myself as much as I want another person to love me?”

Meditation with Ilchibuko


Instead of focusing on trying to receive love from your partner, think about what you can give to the other person. Or both of you can first find the inner love within yourselves and feed yourself with that. By reflecting upon your thoughts, you will be able to look at what your expectations are about your partner and why that has hurt you.

Then, you will have an understanding of his point of view. As you are able to let go of your assumptions and your emotions, you will be able to share love from your True Self. When you can love/heal yourself, you can love/heal your partner to grow love together.

emotion|growing together|love|relationship|trueself


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